From: "the hardparcels" <hardparcel@pmail.com
To: <friendslist>
Sent: January 22nd  11:21 AM
Subject: Mixed emotions

We don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed --  getting ready to be grandparents, quickly organising a nice lunch and registry-office wedding, and wondering what they see in each other. I am a proud mum and love my Keith, but he isn’t really blessed with film-star looks. Even so I would have hoped for better for him. I mean Denise is very sweet, but her glasses are rather thick and so is her waist. But they love each other and that’s what counts, which is more than she can.

The wedding was set for last Tuesday. We arranged to be introduced to Denise’s parents over a big blow-out at the Angus Steak House. I had proposed to cook a good lunch at home, but Terry said he didn’t want funerals as well as a wedding.

Denise’s dad turned out to be French-born and the UK correspondent for a Paris radio station. He said he had been their war reporter for a while though he didn’t actually go to any of the wars he covered, for safety. He is quite thin and is always taking off and putting on his glasses, though he says it doesn’t make much difference as he can’t see either way.

Fanny LeTimide is a bit plump and doesn’t say anything. Anyway, we had a jolly time over the lunch and bubbly, Keith looked quite human in a suit and tie and Denise looked like a Swiss roll wrapped in white nylon. After the brandies we went out to find the cars and drive to the registry office.

Terry, Keith and I got there spot on time, aunt Toby and the cousins were there and the registrar was all ready. But Denise and her parents had us all walking up and down, looking at our watches and tapping our heels until the registrar joked: “Well, I’d better let the next victims go first, if you don’t mind waiting outside.”

So we waited for another hour, and finally Fanny, Marcel and Denise turned up. They had taken a wrong turning at the lights and ended up in Roehampton. Marcel blamed the brandy and Fanny blamed Marcel.

Eventually we shuffled in again and presented the required proofs of identity and residence and the registrar was putting in the details on the form, when Denise began to look a bit strange and asked to sit down. I knew just how she felt. The same thing happened to me when Terry and I got married, all the emotion just runs to your feet and you can’t stand up.

Then she said with a big smile: “I think it’s arrived.”

“Impossible!” I said, “You’re only two months pregnant.”

“No, my period.”

Keith said something very rude and unprintable, pulled off his tie and walked out.

Terry, Marcel, Fanny and I agreed we needed another brandy.

After the second one we went back to look for Denise.

What a pity she can’t count. She could have saved us all a lot of trouble and her parents an unwanted trip to Roehampton.

Still, I was almost looking forward to a baby. Even Keith’s!

Love from Angela (Hardparcel)